Learning to accept things out of your control
Wanting to Control the Uncontrollable
Have you ever wanted to control the outcome of something so bad, but you couldn’t? Chances are that you experienced one or more of these emotions: frustration, neediness, helplessness, powerlessness, irritation, desperation, anxiousness, nervousness, anxiety, and possibly depression.
It is completely normal to feel these emotions whenever you feel unable to control an outcome or situation that’s important to you. It’s evident that we as humans dislike the unknown. We perceive the unknown as “a threat to our survival.” We tend to associate control with security and even sometimes power.
Accepting what we don’t like might be one of the most difficult aspects of life. To solve challenges, we normally try to take positive action and change what we can, but inevitably there will be people, situations, and events we don’t like and that we aren’t able to change.
Things you can control in life
Mindset: Mindset is a fix that can completely change your life Change the way you talk to yourself and others. Be positive and be persistent.
Work ethic: Nobody has ever become an overnight success. It takes years and years of grinding away until you get there. But, you can control your success and the amount of effort you put into accomplishing your dreams.
The way you treat others: “Treat others the way you would like to be treated”–Go out of your way once a day for a stranger: hold the door open, give them a compliment, ask them how their day’s going.
Wellness: You can control what you put into your body and consume. Try to eat clean foods, get 7+ hours of sleep, hydrate, exercise. read, listen to music or podcasts, meditate, avoid social media, etc. Cut out and take a break from toxic things or people in your life. Your body and mind is the best investment you can make.
Language: Every word is worth a million dollars and every action is worth 5 million. Be precise.
Focus on what you can control and you will feel a wight lift off your shoulder
“I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it” — Charles Swindoll
Things you can not control in life
There's a brutal truth in life that some people refuse to accept: You have no control over many of the things that happen in your life. Unfortunately, for many control-freaks like me, this is a hard concept to deal with.
Control freaks think that if they can gain enough control over other people and the situations they find themselves in, they can prevent bad things from happening.
Others know they can't prevent bad things from happening, but they worry about them anyway.
Ultimately, in the end, worrying about what you can’t control is a waste of time and energy, because it doesn’t do any good besides stress you out. So, here are the things you can NOT change in life, and have no control over:
Change: On the one hand, one of the worst things about life is that everything changes, even the good things. On the other hand, the beautiful thing about life is that nothing stays the same. Truth is, you just have to learn to go with the flow, and look at these differences as opportunities to do something new and exciting with life.
The Weather: Some days, you'll wake up to a whole lot of rain or piles of snow. Your beach plans will get put aside, or you'll have to skip out on coffee just to clean off your car. At first, you'll be so frustrated at the world, and complaining to all of your friends. But, don't let that feeling linger all day long, because the weather is out of your control. You have to just make the most of a rainy day, and try to find the bright side. Let go of what could've been, and move around your schedule a bit. The downpour has to stop at some point — am I right?
Traffic: Always be prepared to hit some traffic. Sometimes the situation will be out of your control. Especially when you're in a rush to get somewhere, you seemingly always hit a jam on the highway. You're bumper-to-bumper with the cars around you, and in the moment, there's nowhere to go. You could complain your way through it, or learn to accept it. At this point, you'll get there when you get there.
The Past: The past is the past. You can't change it, and whatever has happened is out of your control. Truth is, the past can hurt, but it's also whatever you make of it. You can choose to let those embarrassing memories go, or hold onto them forever. You may hold onto your favorite moments from the past, and let them fuel your passions in the future. That's OK, too. Just make sure you're doing whatever is best for you, based on the present moment and who you are as a person now — not back then.
The Future: The future, like the past, isn't in your control. You can try and put together a five-year plan, or figure out where you'll be every step of the way. But, truth is, there's bound to be at least one thing that happens that wasn't on your itinerary.
Learn to let go of where you think you're supposed to be, and focus on where you are right now. After all, you can control your actions and reactions in the present moment.
Other People's Minds: Right now, you're probably thinking, "No duh, you can't control someone else's mind!" Yes, I understand it sounds straight out of the comic books. But, hear me out, because you're likely guilty of trying to take charge of other people's thoughts and feelings, too.
You may have been in a relationship where your significant other started to feel a different way, or a conversation where the other person doesn't agree with your opinion. You tried to convince them for hours to see things differently, but it's entirely out of your control. Learn to let it go and focus on how you react in these situations instead.
Other People's Happiness: As much as you want your friends and family to be happy, it's out of your control. Sure, you could send your bestie some memes, or take your mom out to lunch when she's feeling a little stressed. But, in the long run, it's completely up to them to turn that frown upside down.
You have to let go of their problems and focus on your own positivity instead. Help them find the bright side in a sticky situation, but then back off and protect your own peace of mind.
You'll be exhausted and drained if you keep playing the role of fate. So, realize that you're human, and put yourself first when you can. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and learning to let go of what you can't control is key.
Accepting What You Can’t Control
If you find yourself wasting time worrying about things you can't control, here are six things that can help:
1. Determine what you can control: When you find yourself worrying, take a minute to examine the things you have control over. You can't prevent a storm from coming, but you can prepare for it. You can't control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you react.
Recognize that, sometimes, all you can control is your effort and your attitude. When you put your energy into the things you can control, you'll be much more effective and happier.
2. Focus on your influence: You can influence people and circumstances, but you can't force things to go your way. So while you can give your child the tools he needs to get good grades, for example, you can't make him get a 4.0 GPA. And while you can plan a good party, you can't make people have fun. To have the most influence, focus on changing your behavior. Be a good role model and set healthy boundaries for yourself. When you have concerns about someone else's choices, share your opinion, but only share it once. Don't try to fix people who don't want to be fixed.
3. Identify your fears: Ask yourself what you are afraid will happen: Are you predicting a catastrophic outcome? Do you doubt your ability to cope with disappointment? Usually, the worst-case scenario isn't as tragic as you might envision. There's a good chance you're stronger than you think. But sometimes people are so busy thinking things like "I can't allow my business to fail" that they don't take the time to ask themselves, "What would I do if my business failed?" Acknowledging that you can handle the worst-case scenario can help you put your energy into more productive exercises.
4. Differentiate between ruminating and problem-solving: Replaying conversations in your head or imagining catastrophic outcomes over and over again isn't helpful. But solving a problem is. Ask yourself whether your thinking is productive or not. If you are actively solving a problem, such as by trying to find ways to increase your chances of success, keep working on solutions. If, however, you're wasting your time ruminating, change the channel in your brain. Acknowledge that your thoughts aren't helpful, and get up and go do something else for a few minutes to get your brain focused on something more productive.
5. Create a plan to manage your stress: Exercising, eating healthy, and getting plenty of sleep are just a few key things you need to do to take care of yourself. You also have to make time to manage your stress so you can operate more efficiently. Find healthy stress relievers, like meditation, an engaging hobby, or time with friends. Pay attention to your stress level, and notice how you cope with distress. Eliminate unhealthy coping skills like complaining to others or drinking too much.
6. Develop healthy affirmations: I have two phrases I use to remind myself to either take action or calm down. The first is, Make it happen. Whenever I catch myself saying something like, "I hope I do OK today," I remind myself, "Make it happen." It reminds me that I'm in control of my actions. Then, when I find myself thinking about something I have no control over, like, "I hope it doesn't rain on Saturday," I tell myself, I can handle it. Those quick little phrases I have on hand keep me from wasting my time on things I can't control. I'll either do what I can to make it happen or deal with the things I have no control over.
Benefits of Acceptance
A more positive attitude
Less worry and stress
Less energy drained from trying to figure things out
Ability to embrace change
Greater appreciation and gratitude
A more compassionate perspective
Acceptance is not the same as resignation or passivity. We can continue to push forward despite accepting that there are things beyond our control. Here are a few tips to living with greater acceptance so you can have more joy and peace of mind.
Do you find yourself trying to change things you have no control over?
If so, you probably find it difficult to be satisfied and content with life. If we can’t change a situation or an outcome our best option is to learn how to accept it and deal with it.
Let Go of the Past
We all have baggage that we carry from our past, and this baggage gets heavier the longer we hold onto it. Many people have a hard time letting go of past. We carry a mental reminder of our mistakes and losses with us everywhere we go, not realizing how much they steal from our present joy and contentment.
We can’t change the past. What happened in your past happened, so our only hope is to learn how to accept our past and move forward.
Learn Coping Skills
At one point or another life will present us with an unexpected turn of events. It may be a difficult loss or a failure of epic proportions that we aren’t prepared to deal with. Sometimes these events are beyond our current ability to cope. So, part of the acceptance process is learning new ways to cope with a crisis.
Keep your emotions in check so you can make a more conscious decision about how to deal with a difficult situation.
Make It Meaningful
Sometimes the “worst” thing that happens to us ends up being the most fundamental part of our personal growth. It is easier to accept something when we explore the opportunities and possibilities that come out of it. What can you learn from your difficulty? How has your difficulty made you a stronger person?
Expect Less
We live in a world that tells us to want more, be more, and do more. This isn’t always a negative message, but it often gets in the way of our life satisfaction. When something doesn’t meet our expectations, we are disappointed and angry. Life can appear purposeless, unfair, and ruthless if our expectations are unrealistic.
So, instead of expecting something to happen, or expecting a person or event to act a certain way, try to focus on accepting and creating. Focus on what you want to create instead of what you expect to happen. Creation is motivating, expectation is demanding.
Set New Goals
When we run into failure or setbacks it can feel like we are stuck with nowhere to turn. Life will take unexpected turns and when this happens our trajectory might have to change as well. There is a point where it is in our best interest to move on and let go of what we want. If something doesn’t work the way we planned, don’t get caught up in the outcome.
Instead of doing the same thing and expecting different results, accept things aren’t working the way you planned and do something different.
You may not be able change what you’re going through right now, but this doesn’t mean you can’t live a full and meaningful life. You can adapt and adjust to your present circumstances.
Stop avoiding difficult issues and only focusing on what you can’t change. Focus on what you can do about the situation, and if you can’t change something it’s time to accept this reality.
Ask yourself, “What do I need to accept so that I can be happier and more fulfilled?”
Embracing a Spiritual Outlook
Adopting a spiritual outlook provides a psychological cushion to cope with our perceived lack of control. It comforts us with the notion that there is a divine order behind everything that occurs in life and that there’s a reason why things happen the way that they do. It’s reassuring to know that there’s a benevolent force that’s got our back and supports our personal evolution.
Stop Worrying Unnecessarily
Nothing good has ever come from worrying. It induces anxiety and is a major energy drainer. Whenever you worry, you operate from the frequency of fear, which will immobilize you. If we’re not careful, we can go down a tailspin of “what if?” loops and scary visions of all the possible things that could go wrong.
The only way we can get out of this rabbit hole is by letting go of our fears and worries and replacing them with optimism, faith in the future, and probably learning better coping skills with a licensed therapist.
Focus on What You Can Control
Anxiety caused by the excessive need to control circumstances will wear down your mental energy and focus. You can regain power by surrendering your control over a situation. You’ll realize that although you have no way of controlling the events or people involved in a certain situation, you do have control over how you feel and how you react.
Based on what you know, you can create a plan and proactively follow through with it. You’ll feel more empowered knowing that you’ve done the best you could and you’re open to all possible outcomes.
Focus on what you can control. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. It can also change your life.
In Conclusion…
Letting go of control is, essentially, an act of faith whether spiritual or otherwise. It’ something you have so talk to your self about. Faith can get us through tough times of uncertainty and help us navigate through obstacles in our loves.
People with anxiety disorders often feel a need to control everything around them in order to feel at peace. They may not trust anyone else to handle things the way they will. In the future, you will thank yourself for understanding that you can’t control what’s going to happen. It will be detrimental for you in the future if you don’t start to comprehend that much of life is out of your control.
If you are suffering from spiritual challenges, constant worry, anxiety, depression, or need assistance with coping skills, or you know someone who may be, please ask for help.
