Let’s talk forgiveness
To start, remember that there are two types of forgiveness: Forgiving yourself and forgiving others.
Key Points
Forgiveness is quite possibly the only generous act that is also a selfish act. In forgiving someone, we do more for ourselves than we do the other person — because the opposite of forgiveness is punishment, and when we hold on to hurt, anger and betrayal then what we’re really doing is punishing ourselves.
Forgiving one doesn’t mean that you let yourself be taken advantage of or manipulated, but it means that you release the negative and focus instead on realistic optimism: having the belief that things can and will get better, and being prepared to make changes if somebody tries to take advantage of that optimism.
It is not about approving of or excusing another person’s actions; instead, it’s about making your peace with what has happened since the past cannot be changed.
Holding on to anger and grudges is wasted energy; anything that isn’t in your best interests will weigh you down, and so forgiveness helps you to release that stuff so you can focus on living your best possible life in the here and now.
Like all things it takes time, effort and perseverance (and you may have to revisit forgiveness more than once, because the negative emotions can resurface), but it’s a choice you make for your peace of mind and it’s one which enables you to take back your power.
What ‘forgiveness’ looks and feels like will be different to each of us. Let me quote from GoodTherapy.org:
“For many, forgiveness is simply the act of moving past a slight and not holding a grudge. For others, the process of forgiving someone requires repairing the relationship. While many people do feel that reconciliation is a step in the process of forgiveness, they are generally able to see the two processes as separate.”
(Source: GoodTherapy https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/forgiveness)
Why does forgiveness help to improve your mental health?
Anger is toxic. Over time it has a tendency to fester and turn into bitterness and resentment, which has a way of turning you into a more negative person. The thing about negative energy is that it attracts more negative energy — which is the exact opposite of what anyone who is looking to improve their mental health should be focused on! Holding on to anger and grudges is wasted energy; anything that isn’t in your best interests will weigh you down, and so forgiveness helps you to release that stuff so you can focus on living your best possible life in the here and now.
According to the Mayo Clinic (in the same article as mentioned earlier):
“If you’re unforgiving, you might: bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience; become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present; become depressed or anxious; feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs; [and] lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.”
Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult–health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
Not being able to forgive can cause health issues such as anxiety, depression, fatigue, self-harm and even substance abuse. So in a nutshell, holding on to negative feelings towards others or towards yourself (or even both) can lead to a decrease in your overall health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, social and even financial, because it can lead you to make unhealthy decisions that affect one or many of these aspects of health).
I think it also comes back to just realising and accepting that most of what other people do is about them and their baggage, not you.
And so with that said, let’s get into the ‘how to’ part of this week’s episode…
How to practice greater forgiveness
There’s a piece here to be said about the way that time tends to mellow most wounds, and that as you age you often begin to slowly reprioritize. Once you can distance yourself from the difficult stuff you begin to see it more objectively, because it becomes less weighed down by emotion and so it becomes a bit more possible to forgive and to move forward with acceptance.
Work out how you feel about forgiveness — all journeys start with working out where you are at the beginning, and when it comes to forgiveness it’s important to be honest with yourself about your feelings towards it. Do you believe in forgiveness? Do you think it’s a strength? Or do you think it’s a weakness? Because if you think it’s the latter then you’re going to have a tough time actually forgiving someone (or yourself), so I recommend dealing with that first; being open to forgiveness means actually being open to the value of forgiveness, wholeheartedly… and that’s something only you can do.
Identify the ‘what’ — what the situation or event was, who was involved, and what the result of their actions was for you. Also at this point I encourage you to consider what your role in the situation was as well — in many cases involving other people and yourself, there’s often three versions of events: their version, your version, and the truth which tends to lie somewhere in the middle. Why? Because when you’re looking back on events, you’re usually judging yourself based on your intentions as well as your actions (since you know what you meant or didn’t mean), whereas you only have the other person’s actions to judge the situation on as you can never truly know what their intentions were and the majority of people don’t set out to be horrible; it often just happens… so this is where some compassion, empathy and understanding can go a long way towards forgiveness. There is still very much a road towards forgiveness and it will definitely help you to heal so you can get on with your life, but you are not at fault for the bad things that have happened where your power has been stripped away from you (so let’s focus on the things we can all do to regain our power regardless of the situation or event).
Focus on identifying and acknowledging your emotions — be clear about how you feel but do so in an objective way rather than allowing yourself to get bogged down by them. Name your emotions and be sure you identify what you’re really feeling: for example, I can be prone to feel angry when I feel wronged but that anger is actually masking hurt or betrayal or insecurity or rejection; this goes back to what I’ve said in previous episodes which is that not all of your thoughts are true, and indeed often they’re masking a deeper pain or a bigger issue because we’re just instinctively reacting rather than taking the time to respond in a more thoughtful way. Name your emotions and their root causes, so that you can then…
Understand your reactions — once you know what you really feel, take the time to understand those feelings. If it’s rejection, why? If it’s betrayal, why? When we look our demons in the eye they begin to lose their ability to whisper away in dark corners of our minds, because when we really see them we can finally confront them and begin to take away their power. If this ‘why’ stuff is proving difficult for you (and it definitely can be, especially for serious trauma), then work with a counsellor/therapist or consider joining a support group that aligns to your values and beliefs so you can process and understand your emotions about the situation, event or person.
Choose to forgive — forgiveness is a choice. It’s a choice we make for our own peace of mind, and it doesn’t just magically happen. It’s a journey, not a destination, and you may find yourself having to consciously forgive over and over again; if so, that’s okay. Take things one step at a time, one day at a time, and remind yourself why you chose to forgive in the first place.
Choose to prioritize your growth over all things — Since you can only move forward, it’s up to you decide if you want to stay stuck in your past or if you want to grow from whatever has happened. That doesn’t mean that you’re not still affected by what happened; it means that it no longer controls you. Again, that takes conscious daily effort… but it’s worth it for your long-term happiness.
Be kind — whether you’re forgiving someone else or forgiving yourself, consciously choosing to practice kindness is a decision to prioritize your peace of mind above anything else.
Choose to take back your power — you are in control of your life. No matter what happened in the past, it’s in the past so you can leave it there. You live here, now… so live here, now. Make decisions every day that are in the best interests of your overall health and wellbeing, and strive to put what you’ve learned from your experiences into practice so that you can make changes for the better in order to rebuild and maintain your power.
Now, let’s break it down.
What I have realized is that I can choose to let go and focus on the now, instead of hanging on to the past. You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can grow from it and learn.
“The only true mistake is the one you don’t learn from.”
What forgiveness is (and what it’s not)
What forgiveness means
Forgiveness is choosing to let go of anger so that you can work through and release all of the stuff that often goes with holding on to negative past events: hurt, betrayal, sadness, disappointment, bitterness, fear, loss of power, loss of confidence, etc.
According to Mayo Clinic, “The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.”
Through this journey to find inner peace, I have learned that one of the key aspects of good mental health is your ability to live in the present — to learn from the past and let go of negative stuff that has happened, to hope and plan for the future whilst knowing that nothing is ever set in stone (and the only constant in life is change, so being prepared to not be prepared and learning how to be okay with that), and to fully live in this moment and be completely present in the present.
This all definitely takes time and daily effort, but in the end I know it will be worth it. With working towards forgiveness you are helping yourself find moments of peace and calm, regardless of what might be going on in your head or in the world around you.
Forgiveness helps you to release the stuff that holds you back from peace and calm; it allows you to let go of grudges so that they don’t follow you into your future (where they have a habit of tainting all the good stuff in life).
What forgiveness isn’t
Forgiveness is not about religion, although the notion of forgiveness is common to many faiths. It’s not about approving of or excusing another person’s actions; instead, it’s about making your peace with what has happened since the past cannot be changed.
Forgiveness isn’t…
Forgetting about what happened (or pretending it never happened) — good mental health is found through genuine acceptance of events
Just ‘moving on’ or ‘getting over it’ – (not a single person in the history of the world has ever just gotten over something or even calmed down as a result of being told to get over it or calm down, so be conscious of saying this to yourself and others.)
Just being a one-time thing — it takes time, and it’s a journey; sometimes you can find yourself re-experiencing some or even all of the hurt and pain later on, which may lead you to need to re-focus on forgiveness more than once
Letting ourselves be taken advantage of in the future — true forgiveness doesn’t work unless you learn the lessons so that you can make changes where necessary
Wanting revenge — it might seem appealing to deliver your own justice, but when you focus on the negative then that is what you will experience more of in your life. Forgiveness is about finding positive ways to channel your energy — and positivity breeds more positivity.
It’s not about the other person — forgiveness is about you, not the other person. It’s about consciously choosing to let go of anger and pain, and instead to focus on your peace of mind.
General advice from a psychologist
Jeremey Godwin shares:
I’m going to start out with a few bits of general advice which didn’t seem to specifically fit anywhere when I was writing this but which I felt were important enough to still be covered.
So my four main bits of general advice about forgiveness is:
Be clear about who you’re really angry with or hurt by — sometimes we can be mad at another person when in fact we’re actually angry or disappointed with ourselves… so be clear about who you’re really angry with or hurt by.
Don’t compare one person to another — this can be especially common in relationships, where you might have been hurt by the actions of an ex-partner and so may then have suspicions or doubts when you’re with someone new. Every person is unique and developing healthy relationships requires trust, which takes time to grow, and so often we have to take a leap of faith with your heart open but also with our eyes open.
Forgiveness isn’t conditional — either you forgive or you don’t, end of discussion. If you want to put conditions on the situation or the other person, you’re actually still holding on to the hurt or the anger or whatever it was. You can sit and wait a thousand years for an apology and even if you do eventually get one, it doesn’t necessarily change anything.
‘What if?’ is a dangerous game to play — when you sit and think about the event and start to consider the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” what you’re doing is ruminating which can be connected with conditions like anxiety and depression (to name just a couple), especially if it becomes more frequent and harder to control. The past has passed and cannot be changed, and so no amount of sitting and thinking about what might have happened if this had been different or that had been said will make any difference; it is wasted energy which will potentially make things worse, because it takes you away from acceptance. If you’re doing that, notice it and then refocus your energy on the present and what you need to do to resolve things based on where you are at today.
